How Do I Teach Children?

Teaching children is no simple task, and is even more complicated when teaching them in a foreign language. Not only do children have different needs than their adult counterparts, but also cry much more frequently than adults. As much as being chosen last or being laughed at by the teacher is enough to reduce the child to tears. Rather than placing the child in the Crybaby Corner and using them as an example of bad behavior, the teacher should realize the different needs and embrace them.

Children should be rewarded for good behavior with stickers, almonds, cashews, and gum. Children who have bad behavior should receive more stickers than the well behaved students to encourage them to be better.
At ages under 6, having winners and losers can be detrimental to the child’s self-esteem. Losers will clam-up and not want to participate, so it is a good idea to always have the teacher be the loser. That way, later in life they have reason to associate foreigners with failure. For children between the ages of 7 and 12, splitting up teams based on gender works well, as the natural hatred of the opposite sex burns brightly at this age. If there are uneven numbers of male and female students in the classroom, move the most effeminate boys to the girls team or butchy girls to the boys team accordingly.

After 13, hormones kick in and the students will not participate well in front of the opposite sex. Alternate having one sex sit in the hallway during the lesson to maximize teaching ability. If any student is too embarrassed to speak, find an embarrassing flaw about them and remind them that their English ability isn’t as bad as the flaw. They will realize that it isn’t what is in their mind that matters, but what can be visibly observed by others.
After 18 the children are no longer children, but in Japan the age of consent is 14. Plan accordingly.

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3 Responses to How Do I Teach Children?

  1. Liquid Snake says:

    What the fuck do you mean by “plan accordingly”?

  2. WaltWhitman says:

    I taught English in Japan for 2 years at a high school in Ibaraki. “plan accordingly” sums up everything you need to know.

  3. J. Puffy says:

    If that final sentence means what I think it means, I feel sorry for any parent foolish enough to leave their children alone with you.

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